WHY.

How did I get here?

Why do I feel this way?

Why is this so unbelievably hard?

Why can’t I just MOVE ON? LET IT GO?

You have treated me for months now as if I was an enemy. As if I was a stranger, a nobody, and making me feel you have forgotten all that we had. I think about it everyday. Multiple times. Its pathetic. Its sad. I can’t stop.

For the first 4 months after breaking up I thought I was fine. In my head and in my heart I felt I had made the right decision.  That is the honest truth.

But something has been eating at me for the last 3 months. It’s like I am just now starting to really deal with the breakup. Questioning it, replaying it, over analyzing it.  I cant stop.

I can make a list of 25 things that were not great about our relationship, things that drove me to ultimately end it. I don’t know that any of those things have actually changed, but I do know, that regardless of that list, I would give anything to spend time with you again. I cant stop.

What makes me most angry at myself is the fact that I know, despite your hurtful actions and neglect, if you were to walk back into my life for any reason, I would run straight for you. I cant stop.

You make me so angry and have hurt me so much I want to scream and cry almost everyday.

But I don’t think I have ever stopped loving you.

Do I miss you? Or do I miss what we had?

Could it ever work again? Would the same problems still be there?

Are you a different person now? Am I a different person now?

I still think about what our life would be like together. When I think about my wedding, it’s still you standing at the end of the isle.

I broke your heart.

Now you are breaking mine.

Did I screw up? Or are these your true colors and I should be thankful I ended it when I did.

I Re-read the emails I have left dealing with the breakup –It’s hard to remember how I even felt when all that happened, because I am conflicted about whether or not I still feel that way  

Do I want you back? I change my mind 100 times a day.

I just want to talk to you. I want to understand. I want answers and explanations.

I Have a date tonight – 1^st one since we broke up. First boy I have talked to since we broke up (You have had a girlfriend for months now) and already all I can think about is you. He is not you.

You saw Mike at court yesterday and wouldn’t speak to him. Why? Why can’t you be polite? Why cant you respond to me emails a simple “yes, its in the mail?” It infuriates me.

I see you driving now every time I go to pick Tinley up from daycare. Do you live down south now? Does your GF live down south? Do you see me driving or am I just psycho?

It hurts my heart more than you will ever know that deep down I worry you truly will never speak to me again. What did I do? Was it the email about not communicating with me? Was it our conversation around Halloween?

You were respectful and polite for so long – where did it go wrong? You offered to help me move in August, you offered to get us into the fair for free in September, you responded to my dream email that “ I was a great person and that hopefully one day we could be friends”…WTF happened?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!

What has caused me to suddenly over the past few months become overwhelmed with feelings of missing you, needing you, wanting you? I do. I so do.

I feel like you are acting so immature. Any normal girl would kick thoughts of you to the curb in a heartbeat.

I envision what I would say to myself if I was on the outside looking in – it would go something like this – “LET GO! HES NOT WORTH IT, ITS BEEN 8 MONTHS, 8 MONTHS TOO LONG, YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS, WHY CANT YOU SEE THAT???”

Right now I cant.

I matter.

I matter.

You matter.

At IMMERSE last week, we discussed the importance of knowing that regardless of your past, In God’s eyes, YOU MATTER. He doesn’t keep a tally mark of your mistakes, he loves you no more and no less than he did when you made those mistakes. No one has made enough mistakes, big or small, that would cause Him to not want a beautiful life for you.

Someone once used the analogy “if you are always looking in the rearview mirror, you will have an accident”. Memories play such a huge role in our lives that it can be a daily challenge, at least for me, to not dwell on the past. The past you know, you lived it, you remember it, it is right there at the forefront of your mind. The future, you don’t know, you can’t see and you can’t predict it.  We are creatures of holding on to what we know and not always believing in what we don’t know.

I hold on to feelings. I hold on to knowing what made me happy, what made me sad, angry, hurt, excited, loved, etc. I want to be able to replicate all those good feelings with someone new and not necessarily a boy. I want to replicate happy feelings with friends, family AND potentially meeting someone who makes me feel the way my last relationship did.

I want to stop looking in the rearview mirror, thinking “well that made me happy then, just go back to that comfort zone, because you probably won’t find anything better”

1.       I matter. What I want in life matters. Who I am matters. I deserve a beautiful life with a wonderful companion that I do not settle for.

2.       Letting go of that “comfort zone” is just part of the process. I am not unique in the fact that it is so challenging, I know most people struggle with the loss of any great relationship, but I should be excited about the idea that I have no idea the kind of person God has in his plan for me next.

3.       Stop dwelling and know that I do deserve to find that happiness again and have faith, oh so much faith, that I will find it.

Girls especially have a habit of thinking they only deserve a certain level of things in life. We think that because of our pasts, because of our insecurities, we don’t deserve the things that we see other people have. “Oh, she’s such a great girl and look at her wonderful life, job, husband, boyfriend, she deserves that.”

 Me – “I know I won’t ever have things that great since I am not that great, but I will hopefully find someone, have a job, and have a life that is just “good enough”

NO! NO! NO!

I matter.

I deserve the best companion imaginable and the best out of life – always.

Five Truths:

1.       Ran the Hot Chocolate 10K last weekend in the POURING rain – but I finished! J It is the furthest I have ever run! ½ marathon T-minus 3 weeks!

2.       I am obsessed with the t.v. series Breaking Bad. LOVE.

3.       I have gotten off track a little this past week on my devotions and time with myself and God. It actually makes me feel sad! Jumping back on this week!

4.       I am not sure getting back on facebook was the best idea…….

5.       Made some new friends this weekend and it was fabulous!! J

Be the Good

I am someone who has always, for as long as I can remember, struggled with self-confidence. It is like a chronic disease, coming and going in big or small waves. It has caused for me, the following side effects:

1.  Inability to accept compliments.

2.    A strong dis-like of any kind of attention in public.

3. An instinctual reaction to not be proud of any accomplishments.

4. Weight gain.

5. Damage to friendships.

6.   Damage to relationships.

7. Desire to be a people pleaser = walked on.

8. Inability to express true feelings or opinions due to the fear of rejection / dislike / confrontation / hurting someone’s feelings.

I believe that all of the side effects have in their own way – shaped who I have become.  I have said too many times to count, and probably 10 times in this blog, that I think the most important thing is not to change how others see me, but to change how I see myself. HOW DO YOU DO THIS?? I read so many things about self-esteem, happiness, etc and they all say the same thing. Some version of “change how you think – train your brain to think positive”. Really?  I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t have a clue how this sticks. I can be positive for a few hours, maybe even a day or two – but inevitably I think bad thoughts – I have bad days.

I want to make a conscious effort to really absorb the things that make me happy. Take in those moments, feel them, love them, and embrace them. On the flipside – I want to not let the bad things bring me so far down. Why do we let the bad take us further down than we let the good take us up? Why are we (or maybe it’s just me) programmed to be so accepting of the bad, and so resistant to the good?

I guess I like to play the “woe is me” card and talk about all the things I cant catch a break on, that haven’t gone my way, my struggles, my tears. So today I will list all that HAS gone my way in the past year:


 1.  I bought a HOUSE!
 2. I got a precious dog :)
3. I have really started to find a GREAT group of girlfriends in Asheville :)
4. I have lost 17lbs since October!
5. I got the opportunity to go to Chicago and had a wonderful time!
6. I got to spend a week in the beautiful mountains of Colorado!
7. I am so close to being debt free!
8. My family has been to visit several times and it has meant the world to me!
9. I have found a church that I believe is going to be a fantastic influence and great place to heal an grow:)

I am still struggling in my non-existent relationship and communication with P, but today  - this is what crossed my mind .. ( after of course complaining to B for the 100^th time that I just want answers, I want to know why, and I don’t know how to handle emotionally the thought that someone , anyone, could dislike me this much and act this way)..

”Be who you are and say how you feel, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”

Who cares if ONE person doesn’t like me. I know I am hung up on him in particular because of the relationship we shared – but really Collin. One person. There are so many people out there that DO like me. I have wonderful friends and family that I know are so great at trying to bring me up when I am down. Why do I let ONE person bring me down, when 20 are trying to bring me up? Accept the good. Embrace the good. Be the good.

Leave the bad. Do not let it in.

Be HAPPY. :)

Five Truths
 1. Trying a singles group for Biltmore Baptist tonight – excited and nervous!
 2. Tinley is now staying out and about in the house all day and she is doing so great!
 3. I want to learn to have confidence, but not be cocky. I want to learn to speak my mind, but not hurt people.
 4. Got back on facebook. Seems so silly that it is such a big deal. But for me, it was a much needed vacation and I am happy to report I have not check P’s profile OR any of his friends / family.
 5. B is having a BOYY!!!!!!!!!!  :) :) :) :)
 6. One extra –I had a wonderful time in Charlotte this past weekend with my little Adele , R :)

An opening in my soul

I feel like for a few years now I have been searching for something. Something to fill a void in my heart, an opening in my soul.  A boyfriend, a great new job, buying a home, getting a dog, finding a little more confidence – all of these things have come and gone – and yet none have allowed me sit back and think, “Ah, that’s it!”. It is hard to explain a desire for something when you don’t know what that something is. But you know you need it, you know you’re looking for it and you are hoping everyday you will know it when you find it. I have always thought it might be finding that special person I am meant to spend my life with, or finding a state of happiness where everything in my life seems to be great – that I will get that fulfilling feeling. But I have decided I have been spending way too much time waiting for someone or something to give it to me.

Sunday night I may have found what I am looking for.

A little background first – I grew up in a wonderful Non-denominational Disciples of Christ church where I was actively involved in youth group and had the opportunity to go on many retreats and attend many camps. These are some of my favorite childhood / early teenage memories. I have gone through periods where I feel my relationship with God has been at its best and I have surely gone through many a times where it is at its worst.  College was a time when exploring my faith was not a priority. Post College it became a way to meet people and feel a part of something. I found a small, sweet, eclectic church fairly soon after moving to Asheville and felt like I was getting on track to strengthening my relationship with God. When that church unfortunately fell apart due to lack of attendance and funds – I found myself putting it back in the closet for a while. Over the last year I have attended roughly 8-10 churches on my own, never finding one that felt like it was the right fit. A friend from college recently moved to the Asheville area and her story and journey of finding her joy in faith and love over the past few years has been an inspiration to me. The thought crossed my mind today that maybe the reason all of those churches didn’t “fit” is because I wasn’t ready to find a church yet. It wasn’t my time quite yet.

Well I feel my time is now. More than ever. I attended the Biltmore Baptist service Sunday evening with a few friends, including my new inspiration:) whether this turns out to be the right church for me or not, the praise and worship at the beginning of the service turned a switch in my soul. It literally brought me to tears. The words struck cords, the low lights and intimate feeling allowed me to just let the silent tears flow as the happiness in my heart grew tenfold. It brings an excitement that I have never felt before that maybe this is it! Maybe this is what I have been looking for and needing all along. A relationship with God, so beautiful and strong that is fills any and all voids.


 Maybe it was the baptisms going on on the big screen, maybe it was the rock like band with the colorful lights, maybe it was the talented voices of the singers or the out-going personality and powerful, relatable message from the Pastor. Whatever it is - I was sucked in. And I do not feel like letting go any time soon. Even today at work I felt "happier" than I have in a while. There may have been a little more pep in my step:) 

I want to believe that He has been preparing me for this all along. He has a path, He has a plan, and I am elated beyond words that I feel He has chosen now to be the time I make Him a priority. 


Thank you to a sweet sweet friend for the link to this wonderful song - pretty much my life summed up! :)

Five Truths:

1.       If I could have any talent – I wish that I could sing. Like really sing.

2.       Of all the things I want to work on in 2012 – personally – of highest priority behind my relationship with God, is the ability to deal with difficult relationships.

3.       I wish I knew how to build better confidence. I know there are not straight answers – but man I wish I could be as confident as those around me.

4.       One of many things I took away from Sunday’s sermon was whether I like it or not, I am at some point going to have to talk to my Dad about our issues.

5.       Week one of new years ‘bucket list” begins this week! ( LOL, basically because I didn’t do anything last week so I am not counting it!) 

This is your year!

Happy 2012!

The “theme” if you will of my New Years Eve crowd was – “this is your year!” A friend’s mother so kindly had told him “honey, I really think this your year”. So of course with a few cocktails in everyone, we found this extremely hilarious and even more hilarious to keep repeating it to each other all night :)

But truth be told – I have been internally counting down the days to the end of 2011 because I do feel strongly that I can and will make the most of 2012. There is something fresh, new, and almost exciting about the start of a new year. It’s along the same lines as the feeling you get when you start a new job, move to a new place, moved to a new school, or attempt something new. If you have the right mind set, it can be a powerful self-esteem booster to make a list of all the things you hope to accomplish in the coming year. Forget what has happened in 2011. Be inspired that there really is truth to the saying “you can do anything you put your mind to”.

I personally have been inspired by a wonderful blog I follow, LoveAddictNYC, and her desire to make 2012 the year she learns to live. She comprised a list of 50 things to do in the coming year, some big, some small, but all are in stride to live, love, and be happy. I have comprised a list as well, taking a few of her's too, and I like to consider mine more of a bucket list. It is not a list full of changes, or huge accomplishments, though there are some; it is more a list of small things that will hopefully enrich my journey, my confidence and my relationships.

2012

1.       Loose 20 more lbs

2.       ½ marathon

3.       Triathlon

4.       Tattoo

5.       Daily Devotional (Thank you Emily!)

6.       Find a church

7.       Write more letters to friends and loved ones

8.       Blog at least twice a week

9.       Drink more water

10.   Read more, TV less

11.   Find a charity and donate more

12.   Find a volunteer opportunity I love

13.   Travel abroad

14.   Be the best Aunt possible :)

15.   Be more “thrifty”

16.   Approach dating with an open mind – and put myself out there

17.   Cook something new once a week

18.   Be a better friend to those I love

19.   Learn more at work – be the best I can be

20.   Take a “crafty”class..ie painting, sewing, pottery, etc.

21.   Take lots and lots of pictures

22.   Take walks alone – time to think

23.   Get a massage and a facial

24.   Make a dermatologist appointment

25.   Make my bed everyday

26.   Attempt to be more organized

27.   Go camping at least twice

28.   Hike often

29.   Rock climb with Ana

30.   Read more “ worldly” articles on CNN – be more in tune with the world

31.   Grow my nails

32.   Grow hair out for locks of love

33.   Donate blood ( until I get a tattoo)

34.   Plant a garden

35.   Every Sunday – reflection time

36.   MAYBE. MAYBE. Match.com or EHarmony

37.   Find a recreational sport league

38.   If and when I am back on facebook – minimize my time

39.   BE CONFIDENT

40.   BE INTENTIONAL IN EVERYTHING I DO

Five Truths:

1.       I am not expecting to accomplish everything on my list – but will be proud and happy with the ones I do

2.       Have not had any communication with him in over three weeks. I see him now driving when I go to pick Tinley up from daycare and it absolutely gets my stomach churning every time I see his car, but I feel stronger today than I did three weeks ago.  Progress.

3.       I just gave Tinley Benadryl for the first time, hopefully to calm her so I can cut her nails, and I am a  LITTTTTTTTTLE worried. LOL.

4.       I had a lovely Christmas – and was especially happy to see my wonderful friends, Erika, Sarah B and Logan! :)

5.       My ½ marathon is in less than two months and I can barely run 4 miles. EXCELLENT. Hope that adrenaline kicks in ASAP!

Big Love

So I’ve been thinking about the notion of that one special “once in a lifetime love” that everyone seems to search for and I am trying to decide if getting over the idea of having this beautiful love story to tell one day, is a huge part of my journey. We all know the love portrayed in movies, books and music is usually unrealistic, but I would be lying if every time I watched a romantic movie part of me didn’t think to myself “I hope that happens to me one day”. 


 I have gone back and forth a million times thinking, this “big love”, is it the relationship that’s simple and easy-going, without drama and messiness, or is it the one that amidst all of the problems, at the end of the day, you’d still chose this person for all matters of better or worse. It seems like most couples I know have all sorts of different “love stories”. Some grand and magical, some simple and sweet. Some are more like are partners and others are, after 20 years, still madly in love. But I have to believe, that the underlying common ground is simply this - the love is the same. Its LOVE.


For what seems like the longest time, I’ve deep down believed in finding that one person I am so ridiculously in love with. The person I cannot imagine living without, who I share the most unbelievable connection with and who gives me a happiness I have never felt before. Now, oddly enough, I do not believe in soul mates. I strongly believe there are several people out there that could fit this mold for each of us, and if you are lucky, you might even get to meet a few of them along the way. But the older I get, and the more failed relationships I have, the more I have to wonder if my expectations of “love” are too much. It starts to become unbearably depressing to be continually questioning if I am ever going to find the "love” I am looking for.


If I try to be positive, I can say that I’ve learned more with every choice, every mistake and every experience in all of my relationships. I’ve truly, at this point, mastered the difficult task of trying to see the good versus the bad and feel as though I am quite the expert on break-ups in general. Lord knows I have been through enough of them. (This is of course when I start to be negative and spend way too much time evaluating myself, because I feel like there has obviously got to be something wrong with me.)


At this particular moment I am weathering the storm of realizing a “big love” of mine, isn’t who I thought they were. It is so hard on your mind and your heart, when for so long you thought you saw something amazing. For me, this was the first time I honestly believed I had found my “love story”. I have told everyone I know, from practically day one, I knew I was going to marry this person. BAZINGA. I was so wrong. How do you recover from that kind of disappointment and heartbreak? I am really really scared to feel that way about someone again, because I know how challenging it will be to NOT compare past relationships, especially this most recent one, to anything new.


Someone told me one time some cute quote about “all of these little loves will eventually add up to one big love” – but what I have learned more than ANYTHING over the past 5 years is that the most important love of all, is the love I have for myself. It’s the single most important, most difficult, most challenging and most rewarding relationship I will ever have. Each day, each up, each down, each accomplishment, each failure, each joy, each sadness, it comes down to just me. So maybe, if I can master loving me, and strengthen the relationship I have with myself, I wont put such high expectations on that "big love". I will have already fullfilled that void and emptiness with a fabulous relationship I have had for over 27 years now.


I don’t think I will ever give up believing I will find someone truely special, that fills my soul and life with overflowing happiness and love, and I don’t think that I should have to.It may never be a Hollywood worthy story but I hope to find the person and “love story” that’s just simply mine and was made for just me.


Five Truths:


1. I can write nice thoughts and postitive remarks all day - but that doesnt mean that I feel like that every day.


2. I was so flustered over a stressful few days, I wore two different shoes to work one day this week. LMAO.


3. Learned a new word. OOOOFTA!! means " oh crap " in the Mid-west. It is such a fun word to say!


4. Sometimes I think I may have a serious "bi-polar" esc issue with how up and down I can feel in one day. Is that normal?


5. I will be making a "bucket list" for 2012. I am beyond determined that 2012 will be "my year". There are no excuses, things have to change, and I will be a happier person in 2012.

Me being dramatic? Never.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving! I know I for sure ate way more than anticipated – but who am I kidding, I say that every year!! J I did take the opportunity to run an 8K race on Thanksgiving morning so hopefully that counts for something!

I ran with a few fellow co-workers and even though they all smoked me   - I am still pretty proud of myself! It is by far the most I have run since my days in the academy almost a year and a half ago. (Wow, has it been that long? I’ve truly blocked a lot of those memories so I sometimes forget even going through it! ) I signed up for a ½ marathon in February with one of best friends, B, so I still have a long ways to go!! I am also considering a triathlon, more specifically the Ramblin’ Rose. Another friend, R, and former PT instructor from BLET has been asking me for years now to do one with her.  I like the idea of this one in particular because it is for women only. Not exactly sure how I would practice swimming – hahahha – I guess I just would hope my years of swim team would somehow magically come back to me!!

Work has taken over my life, physically and emotionally, these past two weeks. We have a certification test on Monday that everyone has been frantically studying for over the past few months. We have all begun to really hit walls because the amount of material is so overwhelming that it is even more nerve racking each day just trying to decide what to read over or study. Am I worried? Absolutely. I think deep down I am so scared to fail this exam – even though it doesn’t mean losing my job – for me, it will feel like yet another defeat. Another mark on my list of failures and disappointments.  I feel like I am at a place in my life where I am desperate for success, accomplishment, fulfillment, happiness. The last thing I need to handle is failing this crap. But alas, I will get through it. I might pass and be elated! Hopefully being able to channel that success into being more confident and working on this crazy journey to being really really really happy, or, I will fail and in that case I will study hard and I will take it again. Oh well. ( ok – so that is really not exactly how I see it, but it is how I wish it was in my head. I am unfortunately never that positive or carefree when it comes to something like this, I usually anticipate failure.)

AHHHHHH!! BE POSTIVE COLLIN!!! WHY IS IT SO F-ING HARD?!?!! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!

And take a few deep breaths.

New topic.

I am so ridiculously, unexplainably happy for my best friend B who is going to be having a BABY!! I told her the same night she told me about the pregnancy – that I had thought about this moment several times actually. That I knew it was coming at some point and I wondered how I would react / feel when it actually did.  Not that in any way shape or form I wasn’t going to be happy for her, but she knows as well as I do, I have such an issue with comparing myself to other people and their lives, that it did cross my mind that this would be just one more thing to add to the list of things I want in life , that I have to watch all of my friends go through, accomplish etc, while I lag behind. Me being overly dramatic? Never. J But here is the thing – just like I have been writing about for weeks now – you can never really anticipate how you are going to react to something if it hasn’t happened to you before.  When she turned around to me in that car and told me, it was an instantaneous rush of happiness, butterflies in my stomach, and the immediate thought – I love that child already! J She started crying, I started crying, and all in the span of 30 seconds it became crystal clear to me. This is going to be the single (or 1^st of many depending on how many they have!) most important, significant, joyful, breathtaking, fulfilling, life changing, loving moment and experience of their lives. I am beyond excited for the two of them to share in this unbelievable journey. And the fact that I get to be a part of it? I am just overwhelmed with warmness in my heartJ June 19^th cannot come fast enough!!! J

Five Truths:

1.       I love my roommate for all of her Christmas decorations!! J

2.       I am still – unable to go a whole day without thinking about him. Multiple times.  Right now it feels like it really is more about the hurt and less about the idea of wanting him back.

3.       Big Bang Theory is my new obsession! I am not kidding – I would probably really go for someone like Leonard J

4.       This is what I made at work today! You get to wear it if you pass the exam!!

5.       Found “Prancer” on DVD today and almost “duces tecumed” in my pants!! Best Christmas movie of all time!