Be the Good

I am someone who has always, for as long as I can remember, struggled with self-confidence. It is like a chronic disease, coming and going in big or small waves. It has caused for me, the following side effects:

1.  Inability to accept compliments.

2.    A strong dis-like of any kind of attention in public.

3. An instinctual reaction to not be proud of any accomplishments.

4. Weight gain.

5. Damage to friendships.

6.   Damage to relationships.

7. Desire to be a people pleaser = walked on.

8. Inability to express true feelings or opinions due to the fear of rejection / dislike / confrontation / hurting someone’s feelings.

I believe that all of the side effects have in their own way – shaped who I have become.  I have said too many times to count, and probably 10 times in this blog, that I think the most important thing is not to change how others see me, but to change how I see myself. HOW DO YOU DO THIS?? I read so many things about self-esteem, happiness, etc and they all say the same thing. Some version of “change how you think – train your brain to think positive”. Really?  I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t have a clue how this sticks. I can be positive for a few hours, maybe even a day or two – but inevitably I think bad thoughts – I have bad days.

I want to make a conscious effort to really absorb the things that make me happy. Take in those moments, feel them, love them, and embrace them. On the flipside – I want to not let the bad things bring me so far down. Why do we let the bad take us further down than we let the good take us up? Why are we (or maybe it’s just me) programmed to be so accepting of the bad, and so resistant to the good?

I guess I like to play the “woe is me” card and talk about all the things I cant catch a break on, that haven’t gone my way, my struggles, my tears. So today I will list all that HAS gone my way in the past year:


 1.  I bought a HOUSE!
 2. I got a precious dog :)
3. I have really started to find a GREAT group of girlfriends in Asheville :)
4. I have lost 17lbs since October!
5. I got the opportunity to go to Chicago and had a wonderful time!
6. I got to spend a week in the beautiful mountains of Colorado!
7. I am so close to being debt free!
8. My family has been to visit several times and it has meant the world to me!
9. I have found a church that I believe is going to be a fantastic influence and great place to heal an grow:)

I am still struggling in my non-existent relationship and communication with P, but today  - this is what crossed my mind .. ( after of course complaining to B for the 100^th time that I just want answers, I want to know why, and I don’t know how to handle emotionally the thought that someone , anyone, could dislike me this much and act this way)..

”Be who you are and say how you feel, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”

Who cares if ONE person doesn’t like me. I know I am hung up on him in particular because of the relationship we shared – but really Collin. One person. There are so many people out there that DO like me. I have wonderful friends and family that I know are so great at trying to bring me up when I am down. Why do I let ONE person bring me down, when 20 are trying to bring me up? Accept the good. Embrace the good. Be the good.

Leave the bad. Do not let it in.

Be HAPPY. :)

Five Truths
 1. Trying a singles group for Biltmore Baptist tonight – excited and nervous!
 2. Tinley is now staying out and about in the house all day and she is doing so great!
 3. I want to learn to have confidence, but not be cocky. I want to learn to speak my mind, but not hurt people.
 4. Got back on facebook. Seems so silly that it is such a big deal. But for me, it was a much needed vacation and I am happy to report I have not check P’s profile OR any of his friends / family.
 5. B is having a BOYY!!!!!!!!!!  :) :) :) :)
 6. One extra –I had a wonderful time in Charlotte this past weekend with my little Adele , R :)