Big Love

So I’ve been thinking about the notion of that one special “once in a lifetime love” that everyone seems to search for and I am trying to decide if getting over the idea of having this beautiful love story to tell one day, is a huge part of my journey. We all know the love portrayed in movies, books and music is usually unrealistic, but I would be lying if every time I watched a romantic movie part of me didn’t think to myself “I hope that happens to me one day”. 


 I have gone back and forth a million times thinking, this “big love”, is it the relationship that’s simple and easy-going, without drama and messiness, or is it the one that amidst all of the problems, at the end of the day, you’d still chose this person for all matters of better or worse. It seems like most couples I know have all sorts of different “love stories”. Some grand and magical, some simple and sweet. Some are more like are partners and others are, after 20 years, still madly in love. But I have to believe, that the underlying common ground is simply this - the love is the same. Its LOVE.


For what seems like the longest time, I’ve deep down believed in finding that one person I am so ridiculously in love with. The person I cannot imagine living without, who I share the most unbelievable connection with and who gives me a happiness I have never felt before. Now, oddly enough, I do not believe in soul mates. I strongly believe there are several people out there that could fit this mold for each of us, and if you are lucky, you might even get to meet a few of them along the way. But the older I get, and the more failed relationships I have, the more I have to wonder if my expectations of “love” are too much. It starts to become unbearably depressing to be continually questioning if I am ever going to find the "love” I am looking for.


If I try to be positive, I can say that I’ve learned more with every choice, every mistake and every experience in all of my relationships. I’ve truly, at this point, mastered the difficult task of trying to see the good versus the bad and feel as though I am quite the expert on break-ups in general. Lord knows I have been through enough of them. (This is of course when I start to be negative and spend way too much time evaluating myself, because I feel like there has obviously got to be something wrong with me.)


At this particular moment I am weathering the storm of realizing a “big love” of mine, isn’t who I thought they were. It is so hard on your mind and your heart, when for so long you thought you saw something amazing. For me, this was the first time I honestly believed I had found my “love story”. I have told everyone I know, from practically day one, I knew I was going to marry this person. BAZINGA. I was so wrong. How do you recover from that kind of disappointment and heartbreak? I am really really scared to feel that way about someone again, because I know how challenging it will be to NOT compare past relationships, especially this most recent one, to anything new.


Someone told me one time some cute quote about “all of these little loves will eventually add up to one big love” – but what I have learned more than ANYTHING over the past 5 years is that the most important love of all, is the love I have for myself. It’s the single most important, most difficult, most challenging and most rewarding relationship I will ever have. Each day, each up, each down, each accomplishment, each failure, each joy, each sadness, it comes down to just me. So maybe, if I can master loving me, and strengthen the relationship I have with myself, I wont put such high expectations on that "big love". I will have already fullfilled that void and emptiness with a fabulous relationship I have had for over 27 years now.


I don’t think I will ever give up believing I will find someone truely special, that fills my soul and life with overflowing happiness and love, and I don’t think that I should have to.It may never be a Hollywood worthy story but I hope to find the person and “love story” that’s just simply mine and was made for just me.


Five Truths:


1. I can write nice thoughts and postitive remarks all day - but that doesnt mean that I feel like that every day.


2. I was so flustered over a stressful few days, I wore two different shoes to work one day this week. LMAO.


3. Learned a new word. OOOOFTA!! means " oh crap " in the Mid-west. It is such a fun word to say!


4. Sometimes I think I may have a serious "bi-polar" esc issue with how up and down I can feel in one day. Is that normal?


5. I will be making a "bucket list" for 2012. I am beyond determined that 2012 will be "my year". There are no excuses, things have to change, and I will be a happier person in 2012.