Monkey Ass

I ended a relationship of almost a year and a half back in May.  For me, this break-up was a new challenge compared to those I have been through before. Past relationships have always ended because someone was angry, someone messed up, fighting was constant, and the relationship was obviously (even though I was ALWAYS the last to figure it out) on its way out the door. This one was different. How do you tell someone, someone you honestly LOVED with all your heart at one time, that the love you have for them has changed and just isn’t enough anymore? How do you express to someone how much a relationship meant to you, how happy they have made you, that you are not angry, that they did NOTHING wrong, and that somehow you just know in your heart and gut, that this isn’t what makes you happy anymore?? Let me tell you. YOU CANT. Guy or girl – you can exhaust yourself trying to explain through letters, emails and 2 hour phone conversations, but at the end of the day someone (me) is still the bad guy. I know it is normal to always immediately feel sympathetic for the person who was broken up with –I get it. But I also think we forget that more often than not, there are TWO HEARTS being broken.  Pain is pain, no matter what form. Heartache is heartache. Sadness is sadness.  I could write 25 blogs about the emotional roller coaster this break-up has sent me on, I could over analyze each little detail ( because that what I along with most women do BEST) searching for an explanation, an answer, a way to feel better. But the bottom line is this - BREAK-UPS SUCK MONKEY ASS and here is my best shot at explaining why they suck monkey ass. There is not a single thing a friend, family member, counselor, mentor, co-worker, or even the person you just broke up with can say that will make you feel better, will make you understand more, or help you to make sense of what has happened. There will be no “ah ha!” moments where you suddenly figure it all out.

You just make it through. You keep moving. You keep living your life. One hour, one day, one week, and one month at a time. 

We have all been there. The first few days or even weeks after a break up, where the two of you are still replaying the same conversation over and over and over every day. Saying the same thing over and over in 10 different ways, each time hoping you will get a better understanding/feeling/ or explanation out of it.  Raise your hand if you have ever been in this situation and have come out of a conversation feeling good?? I am sitting on both my hands right now.  

You just make it through. You keep moving. You keep living your life. One hour, one day, one week, and one month at a time. 

We are of the generation that is programmed to expect instant gratification. I think in this sense we also seek quick easy answers and fixes to any situation big or small. This makes for a cloud of frustration and emotion around us when there is no answer. No fix. There is no proven way to get over the falling apart of a relationship. No rules, no right way, no wrong way. Everyone is different.

You just make it through. You keep moving. You keep living your life. One hour, one day, one week, and one month at a time. 

I will probably spend way too much time trying to figure out what this relationship has taught me, because I do truly believe people come into your life for a reason and I hope that each relationship not only teaches me something, but will make me slightly stronger. One thing I know I have learned for sure, is an understanding and belief in the phrase “LOVE but not IN LOVE”.  I am not IN LOVE with him the way I once was. My love for him isn’t the kind of love that is needed to maintain a successful and happy relationship. But I know in my heart, because I feel it EVERDAY, I LOVE him today, tomorrow and honestly forever in a way I will never love anyone else.

Five Truths:


1. I am 100%, straight up, afraid of the idea of dating.


2. I do not feel I have the confidence necessary to put myself out there and I am worried I might never.


3. I ate 6, SIX pieces of Halloween candy tonight. 2 Reece cups, 2 kit kats and 2 skittles. IN BED.


4. I am anticipating a nightmare tonight about a movie called "The human centipede" that someone told me about today. Look it up - at your own risk.


5. I want to make an effort to stop beginning sentences with the phrase “I know this sounds ridiculous.” or” I know I am so stupid...” My feelings are my feelings and they are real. Minimizing them or apologizing for them isn’t going to make them any less real.