Why do we do things when we know we shouldn’t? I feel like I am acting like my dog. The way I yell “NO!!” when she digs in my trash can and then when I turn my head, she lowers her whole body and tries to creep back in, gets smacked, and then tried a third time.
I quit facebook for reason – I knew that looking at it every day would only make things harder. I was using a friend’s computer today and before I knew it, I had curiously gone to facebook, under my friends name since they were already signed in, and there I was typing in his name. WTF COLLIN! You know the saying “what you don’t know won’t kill you??” well…of course I always believe in telling the truth – but in this case I could have really benefited from not looking at that crap today. What did I expect to see? What did I think looking at it was going to accomplish?? I’ll tell you what it did accomplish – it managed to break off a few stairs of the staircase that I’ve been building these last two weeks to climb out of my hole. I let myself start to wallow again and it makes me so angry!!!
R asked me today – Collin, what is it that you think you are so upset about? What did expect to happen when you broke up? Another good friend B asked me that question too a while back. I’ve tried to gather my thoughts and really figure out what it is that is making me so sad and I have come up with this: I am so SAD that this relationship didn’t work out. Bottom line. I am discouraged that it didn’t work out. I am frustrated that it didn’t work out. I am also now trying to swallow the fact that there is an extremely high chance that we will never be any part of each other’s lives again and that breaks my heart. It is not just the loss of great love; it’s the loss of a great friend. I don’t know what I expected. I know I am the one that ended it. But I never was expecting or prepared to handle how I would feel 5 months later or how I would handle him dating someone new. I think I am also disappointed in myself that I am letting this situation take over so much of me. We broke up for a list of reasons and if I could just let myself mentally remember all those things I know it would make me feel better.
I made a decision and now I have to own that decision. And I was owning it! I was doing pretty darn good these last few months and then God decided to send me on a flipping roller coaster. I hope I can decipher His “messages” here soon – because this is not FUN. Mmmm.
I think I need to focus as much energy as possible on finding Collin. Choosing things in my life that make me happy, and not what I think will make others happy or what will help me to meet someone down the road. I have always been a very independent person and I don’t want to lose that. I want to get to a point where when I go out and meet someone, whether it’s a boy or even just meeting new people in general I can have the attitude – “Hey, this is me, take it or leave it, like it or not, won’t hurt my feelings”…okay, so the not hurting my feelings part is probably never going to happen – I know myself – but the first part IS achievable.
As a loveable, but somewhat annoying co-worker always says, “Collin.LIFE FINDS A WAY.” Some days it warrants a smile and a hug – others its warrants a smack in the face. Hahaha.
Five Truths:
1. Ran 4 miles today!! Yipeeeeeeee!!! (½ Marathon with my bff in February!)
2. I really really miss male companionship in general – maybe that’s why I am struggling with this “situation”
3. I LOVEEEEE a nice relaxing evening all to myself. Had one Thursday and it was magical. Wine, a great book, good food and a funny movie to fall asleep to. Perfect.
4. Learned about a little boy whose name is ESPN. NOT A JOKE. His parents were smoking somethinggggg.
5. Here is a link to a few of my new favorite songs!! Enjoy!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCf2PoTuh4Q – Blake Shelton “God gave me you”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg00YEETFzg&ob=av2e – Rihanna “we feel in love in a hopeless place”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usGv0gB2zEU – Eric Church “drink in my hand”
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