To you. From me.

Thinking about you a lot today. Thinking about the way we were. Thinking about the things we said, the promises we made, and the love we had. Thinking about the hurt you are causing me right now and the hurt I caused you before.  You cross my mind too many times a day.  As angry as I am – all I wish for is that you are happy and it hurts that you have made me feel that you do not wish the same for me.  You seem so cold. Every day I hope that you will see I never wanted to hurt you.  Falling asleep every night thinking that you hate me – as many times as you have told me before that you don’t – your actions speak louder than your words. People are unpredictable. How you are acting is not who I thought you were. Just as I am sure you did not think I was capable of hurting you so bad, I did not know you were capable of hurting me this bad. I did not anticipate these paralyzing feelings when you decided to end any and all communication. I ended the relationship. I made a decision that I have to own. I never expected a friendship, I did not expect to talk, share texts or emails on a regular basis. But in your final email to me you said:

“Congrats on your new place and remember I love you so feel free to call on me if and when you may need to. I am still pissed off and yes I will get over it so a beer together will be in order soon and I will hopefully see you soon.”

This was the last line in an email filled with a lot of anger – but I believed that if you could end it on that note, then wow, you were an amazing person and I truly felt that even though we may not speak for months at a time, if I did need you, you would answer. Coming to terms with the realization that you don’t mean that anymore is nauseating.  After a few months of casual communication here and there, you chose to stop cold. You chose to blatantly ignore me, on simple matters, simple questions or comments that were innocent and had nothing to do with you and me. Then when I confronted you about it, you spoke kindly and calm, saying what I can only assume is what you think I wanted or needed to hear to satisfy your own conscious, only to continue to ignore me again.

I don’t want to hold you back from moving on or living your life in any way shape or form. I have had my regretful moments of trying to keep the communication lines open in the wrong way.  Sharing thoughts or emails with you that only made things worse. I never intended or intend now to be “that girl” who selfishly cannot let go and continues to make a scene. Feelings and emotions can cause you to say and do ridiculous things and I never knew the stomach churning restraint it would take to resist choosing the low road over the high road.

 I have to respect and accept the choices you have made. More importantly I have to accept the fact that there is NOTHING I can do about it.

We had a beautiful friendship that turned into a passionate, real love relationship. I did not expect to fall back into that friendship when it fell apart; I did not expect to be something unrealistic.  What I did expect was to always be able trust and believe in you and you words, that we could always continue to be honest with each other about anything. But I guess that’s the thing about not being “us” anymore – we don’t owe each other anything. There are no longer any expectations. I want answers and explanations, but I am not in a position to deserve those anymore. I have to let go of all the things I wish I could hear from you, the words I think would make everything okay – because I know now more than ever, it will never happen.

What I do think I deserve is Respectfulness. Not blatant Rudeness. I will never understand fully why you have chosen to act this way and I am so angry that you have now tainted what I use to think of you.

Despite my feelings at this moment, I will carry the memories of you and me for as long as my heart will handle. I will always wish you well and pray for your lifelong happiness.  I will do my best to remember only the good. You were an amazing piece in the puzzle of my life that I would not be the same without and that is how I want to always remember you.

I will be ME

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones. - Proverbs 14:30

This was in my weekly Women’s Devotional yesterday.  The timing of it really got my attention – because lord knows this is one of my BIGGEST struggles.  Why does the brain work the way it does? Such a broad question right? It seems like it is so much easier for us to believe bad than it is good. In life and in ourselves. Why would God create our minds to work in such a ridiculous way? I am sure there is some deep, prophetic explanation out there somewhere – but for me right now – the bottom line is that it F-ING SUCKS.  Sorry. I just don’t understand.  It makes me think of how we are so skeptical of people and things we don’t know – how many times have you been approached by a homeless person asking for $ or food and kept walking? Or seen someone you know could use some help and done nothing.  I feel like a lot of the time it is because we immediately think they are going to do bad things with whatever we give them. They have made decisions in their life that have put them in that situation and it is not my responsibility to care or help. We believe more in the bad than in the good.  We tend to be selfish over selfless. We judge people by their looks, the way they are “acting”, the car they drive, the clothes they wear, the way they talk – but do you really know them? Nope! Do you know their life story? Nope! Assuming is one of the worst things you can do. How many times does someone cut you off on the road, mess up when checking you out at a store, wear an outfit you personally don’t approve of, “act” a certain way that makes you turn to your friend or even just to yourself say “what an idiot!!!”. I’ve done it. Plenty of times.  Even though I am guilty of assuming and judging I do truly believe in some form of Karma. Do good things and good things will come to you. Treat people how you would want to be treated. Seems simple enough right? I think it is a challenge we all compete with our entire lives.

I completely got off topic there. Jealously is the issue at hand here.  This is what my devotional had to say about jealously:

Envy is rotten. Think for a moment about something that is rotten. It is putrid, decomposing, and decaying matter. It stinks. It makes one gag. We take steps immediately either to get away from the decomposing item or to remove the source of the stench. The next time envy creeps into your heart and mind, may I suggest that you do the following to remove the rancidness of envy:

Acknowledge envy as sin. The envious person is not just a victim; he or she bears responsibility. The failure to confess envy will only lead to more sin. Envy causes conflict with others; it travels with its cousin anger; it leads to depression; it manifests itself in gossiping; and it can even pull the trigger on murder.

Resist comparing yourself to others. One way to bolster our own poor self-esteem is by finding fault with others. But when we compare ourselves with others two things happen, and both are destructive. One, when we compare our strength to another person's weakness we become proud. Two, when we compare our weakness to another person's strength we become envious. Either way we lose.

Recognize God's goodness. Be grateful for what we already have. A myth has circulated since the beginning of time: I must have more to be happy. This view simply is not true. Instead of focusing on what we don't have, we need to remind ourselves of what we do have, giving thanks for God's graciousness in our lives. When we understand God's goodness in our lives, comparisons are meaningless.

All of these things are so much easier said than done and I am very aware of that.  I feel like I read bible verses’, quotes, psychological explanations and they all seem so simple. Here is what you do – so do it. But it is not that easy in the world we live in.

All I can promise is this:

I will try.

I will do my absolute best to be the best I can be. 

I will try hard to believe in myself.

I will try to be thankful for all the great things in my life.

I will fail.

I will have a bad day.

I will make a bad decision.

I will hurt someone.

I will help someone.

I will love.

I will be ME.

And at the end of the day – I hope more than anything – I will find a peace within my heart – and that the believeing in good will ALWAYS out weight  believing in bad. In life and in myself.

Five Truths:

1. I think it is so ridiculously hard to think you can "follow" the word of the bible and live a perfect life. (I know that is not what is truely expected of us, but it sometimes it seems like God is saying - Do these things and you will be happy all the time.)

2. I am so thankful for amazing friends who offer perspective and insight from a different point of view.

3. I think I focus too much of my time looking into the past and base too many of my thoughts on what has happened before. I heard somewhere this weekend - " if you keep looking in the re-view mirror, you will have an accident". Why is it so hard to forget the past?

4. LOVE LOVE LOVE the show " Two Broke Girls" - check it out!! :)

5. Thanksgiving is my favorite Holiday. I love it because it kicks off the holiday season, the colors are beautiful ( oranges, browns, dark green, cranberry, etc.) and of course, most importantly, because I love foooooooood! :)

Holy jesus meat-scicle on a fire stick!!

 I went to an amazing concert last weekend @ the Orange Peel :) I don’t know if anyone else knows the singer Kate Voegele, but I have been a fan of her music for almost five years now and this was my first time seeing her live.  I am always a little embarrassed to admit how I got started listening to her music – but here it is – she got her start on the WB’s One Tree Hill.  First it was just her music, but then they brought her on as a main character. Any who, I don’t follow the show anymore (is it even still on??) but I have followed her music! The other two bands touring with her were Courrier and Parachute and they both were flippin’ fantastic! There really is something about live music that is so “inspiring”. I am not exactly sure what I mean by that, but I just get this free feeling. Free to jump around, sing along and just get lost in the music. When the concert is over, I kind of have a high, like “Hell yeah! Let’s do that again!” I would recommend all 3 of the performers to anyone!!  My roommate M and I actually got to meet all the bands after the show which was super fun!

Kate’s music has helped me through many a bad days and below is one my absolute favorites! If you know me, you know who this song is for and about :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3jx00M4o4U


Also enjoyed a kick-ass time at Elaines Dueling Piano Bar last night. Its at the Grove Park - open to the public and I would put it now on my list of top 3 favorite things to do in Asheville! The pianist are so ridiculously talented as well as entertaining and the atmosphere is just so energetic! Love it!!


Five Truths:


1. A few good days can really do a number on your mind - its refreshing when you wake up and see or feel something in a totally different way


2.Started recieving daily and weekly "life applicating" scriptures from a really awesome website. I love the little explainations that relate it to the world and life today


3. Feeling hopeful this week. Havent had any moments lately where a thought, a song, or something someone said made my stomach churn because I start thinking about him or the situation. Progress.


4. I am reallllllllllllly wanting to get an i-pad! I am curious to talk to more people that have them and hear their opinions.


5. Saw Breaking Dawn Part 1...even though I wasnt screaming or crying at the sight of Taylor Lautner like the rest of the crowd, I will say holy jesus meat-scicle on a fire stick - he is ridiculously HOT. Mmm. Wish I could imprint all over that.

Life finds a way

Why do we do things when we know we shouldn’t? I feel like I am acting like my dog. The way I yell “NO!!” when she digs in my trash can and then when I turn my head, she lowers  her whole body and tries to creep back in, gets smacked, and then tried a third time.

I quit facebook for reason – I knew that looking at it every day would only make things harder. I was using a friend’s computer today and before I knew it, I had curiously gone to facebook, under my friends name since they were already signed in, and there I was typing in his name. WTF COLLIN! You know the saying “what you don’t know won’t kill you??” well…of course I always believe in telling the truth – but in this case I could have really benefited from not looking at that crap today.  What did I expect to see? What did I think looking at it was going to accomplish?? I’ll tell you what it did accomplish – it managed to break off a few stairs of the staircase that I’ve been building these last two weeks to climb out of my hole.  I let myself start to wallow again and it makes me so angry!!!

R asked me today – Collin, what is it that you think you are so upset about? What did expect to happen when you broke up? Another good friend B asked me that question too a while back. I’ve tried to gather my thoughts and really figure out what it is that is making me so sad and I have come up with this: I am so SAD that this relationship didn’t work out. Bottom line. I am discouraged that it didn’t work out. I am frustrated that it didn’t work out.  I am also now trying to swallow the fact that there is an extremely high chance that we will never be any part of each other’s lives again and that breaks my heart. It is not just the loss of great love; it’s the loss of a great friend.  I don’t know what I expected. I know I am the one that ended it. But I never was expecting or prepared to handle how I would feel 5 months later or how I would handle him dating someone new.  I think I am also disappointed in myself that I am letting this situation take over so much of me. We broke up for a list of reasons and if I could just let myself mentally remember all those things I know it would make me feel better.

I made a decision and now I have to own that decision. And I was owning it! I was doing pretty darn good these last few months and then God decided to send me on a flipping roller coaster. I hope I can decipher His “messages” here soon – because this is not FUN. Mmmm.

I think I need to focus as much energy as possible on finding Collin. Choosing things in my life that make me happy, and not what I think will make others happy or what will help me to meet someone down the road. I have always been a very independent person and I don’t want to lose that. I want to get to a point where when I go out and meet someone, whether it’s a boy or even just meeting new people in general I can have the attitude – “Hey, this is me, take it or leave it, like it or not, won’t hurt my feelings”…okay, so the not hurting my feelings part is probably never going to happen – I know myself – but the first part IS achievable.

As a loveable, but somewhat annoying co-worker always says, “Collin.LIFE FINDS A WAY.” Some days it warrants a smile and a hug – others its warrants a smack in the face. Hahaha.

Five Truths:

1.       Ran 4 miles today!! Yipeeeeeeee!!! (½ Marathon with my bff in February!)

2.       I really really miss male companionship in general – maybe that’s why I am struggling with this “situation”

3.       I LOVEEEEE a nice relaxing evening all to myself. Had one Thursday and it was magical. Wine, a great book, good food and a funny movie to fall asleep to. Perfect.

4.       Learned about a little boy whose name is ESPN. NOT A JOKE. His parents were smoking somethinggggg.

5.       Here is a link to a few of my new favorite songs!! Enjoy!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCf2PoTuh4Q – Blake Shelton “God gave me you”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg00YEETFzg&ob=av2e – Rihanna “we feel in love in a hopeless place”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usGv0gB2zEU – Eric Church “drink in my hand”

Love is for the Courageous

One of my dearest friends, R, was visiting this weekend! We had such a great time at the Appalachian v. Furman game (minus the ridiculously embarrassing loss) and even got to see Armanti Edwards come to watch the game with his family! We had quite the entertainment for the majority of the weekend – our dogs. I got a new puppy back in August, sweet Tinley, and R has had her dog for almost 3 years now. The two of them put on a pretty interesting show! Together, R and I usually find ourselves in some pretty serious heart to hearts. She has been a wonderful friend for over 8 years now and things always seem a little brighter when she is around J

 She shared a quote from her mother with me a few weeks back – Love is not for wimps, it is for the COURAGEOUS. This has really stuck in my head because it is so true when you really think about it. The way we fall into relationships, exposing everything about ourselves to someone, sharing a life with someone, with no guarantees – and then to have it fall apart. The way we pick ourselves back up and do it all over again is pretty amazing. It takes courage, faith and love. Courage to put ourselves in a situation that is ultimately asking someone to judge us and has the potential to cause us a world of pain or a world of happiness. Faith in something bigger than us that there is a plan and that you are meant to find whatever it is that you are looking for. Love for yourself  - because even though it is so over used, until you love you, you will never be able to share any kind love with someone else. We get so down on ourselves when a relationship ends, thinking the worst of ourselves, and playing the “poor me” card. R’s quote really helped me to remember this – I may be hurting, I may be sad and I may be discouraged but hell – look at me! I am courageous.  After two serious relationships previously that didn’t work out, plus some short lived ones, I gave it all I had a third time, fell completely in love and found happiness. It didn’t matter that the previous two relationships hadn’t worked. And eventually I will weather this break up too. I will pick back up, meet someone new, and give it a try for a 4^th time. A 5^th time. A 6^th time. That’s courage. And it is because I have faith in my plan and because I know I am on a journey to really love me.

I get really over-whelmed with jealously sometimes of people that found that special someone without having to deal with the woes of dating. Why them? Why me? In the course of a few minutes I can really funnel myself into a hole thinking of all the things that must be wrong with me in order to have been given this path – the one with all the break-ups. I make lists in my head of all the things I think I need to change, work on, and better about myself to make me more “marketable”. How ridiculous does that sound? (I know, I am not supposed to say that).  Then, in the next few minutes I can smack myself silly, take a deep breath and repeat the following:

I am normal.

MOST people go through a handful of relationships before finding the one they want to spend their life with.

I have grown and learned from each of my relationships in so many positive ways.

There really is not a lot I need to change. What I need to change is how I, Collin, see myself.

I am deserving of love – and I am going to find it.

My day to day life is pretty great. I have my moments, I have my days, but overall – I am not in an office, or my bedroom wallowing all the time. I am, for the most part, happy. J That happiness is only going to continue to get better and better.

Five Truths:

1.       I am much happier today than I was last Sunday.

2.       For a split second this weekend – I thought to myself – I wish I could give my dog back to the shelter. Im horrible!!! I swear I love her.

3.       Watched Crazy Stupid Love – my true celebrity crush always has been and always will be Ryan Gosling.

4.       I want so badly – to not have to put myself out there to meet someone. I want it to just happen through a chance meeting. Is that too much to ask?

5.       I still sleep with a blanket. Oh lord. Like a baby blanket. Oh lord. I am working on it.

Monkey Ass

I ended a relationship of almost a year and a half back in May.  For me, this break-up was a new challenge compared to those I have been through before. Past relationships have always ended because someone was angry, someone messed up, fighting was constant, and the relationship was obviously (even though I was ALWAYS the last to figure it out) on its way out the door. This one was different. How do you tell someone, someone you honestly LOVED with all your heart at one time, that the love you have for them has changed and just isn’t enough anymore? How do you express to someone how much a relationship meant to you, how happy they have made you, that you are not angry, that they did NOTHING wrong, and that somehow you just know in your heart and gut, that this isn’t what makes you happy anymore?? Let me tell you. YOU CANT. Guy or girl – you can exhaust yourself trying to explain through letters, emails and 2 hour phone conversations, but at the end of the day someone (me) is still the bad guy. I know it is normal to always immediately feel sympathetic for the person who was broken up with –I get it. But I also think we forget that more often than not, there are TWO HEARTS being broken.  Pain is pain, no matter what form. Heartache is heartache. Sadness is sadness.  I could write 25 blogs about the emotional roller coaster this break-up has sent me on, I could over analyze each little detail ( because that what I along with most women do BEST) searching for an explanation, an answer, a way to feel better. But the bottom line is this - BREAK-UPS SUCK MONKEY ASS and here is my best shot at explaining why they suck monkey ass. There is not a single thing a friend, family member, counselor, mentor, co-worker, or even the person you just broke up with can say that will make you feel better, will make you understand more, or help you to make sense of what has happened. There will be no “ah ha!” moments where you suddenly figure it all out.

You just make it through. You keep moving. You keep living your life. One hour, one day, one week, and one month at a time. 

We have all been there. The first few days or even weeks after a break up, where the two of you are still replaying the same conversation over and over and over every day. Saying the same thing over and over in 10 different ways, each time hoping you will get a better understanding/feeling/ or explanation out of it.  Raise your hand if you have ever been in this situation and have come out of a conversation feeling good?? I am sitting on both my hands right now.  

You just make it through. You keep moving. You keep living your life. One hour, one day, one week, and one month at a time. 

We are of the generation that is programmed to expect instant gratification. I think in this sense we also seek quick easy answers and fixes to any situation big or small. This makes for a cloud of frustration and emotion around us when there is no answer. No fix. There is no proven way to get over the falling apart of a relationship. No rules, no right way, no wrong way. Everyone is different.

You just make it through. You keep moving. You keep living your life. One hour, one day, one week, and one month at a time. 

I will probably spend way too much time trying to figure out what this relationship has taught me, because I do truly believe people come into your life for a reason and I hope that each relationship not only teaches me something, but will make me slightly stronger. One thing I know I have learned for sure, is an understanding and belief in the phrase “LOVE but not IN LOVE”.  I am not IN LOVE with him the way I once was. My love for him isn’t the kind of love that is needed to maintain a successful and happy relationship. But I know in my heart, because I feel it EVERDAY, I LOVE him today, tomorrow and honestly forever in a way I will never love anyone else.

Five Truths:


1. I am 100%, straight up, afraid of the idea of dating.


2. I do not feel I have the confidence necessary to put myself out there and I am worried I might never.


3. I ate 6, SIX pieces of Halloween candy tonight. 2 Reece cups, 2 kit kats and 2 skittles. IN BED.


4. I am anticipating a nightmare tonight about a movie called "The human centipede" that someone told me about today. Look it up - at your own risk.


5. I want to make an effort to stop beginning sentences with the phrase “I know this sounds ridiculous.” or” I know I am so stupid...” My feelings are my feelings and they are real. Minimizing them or apologizing for them isn’t going to make them any less real.

Ooogly Ugly

I'm 27.

I'm 27 and I have a wonderful job.

I'm 27 and I own my own home.

I'm 27 and I have some truly amazing friends.

I'm 27 and I have a great family.

I'm 27.

I'm 27 and I am single.

I'm 27 and I am lonely.

I'm 27 and I am still struggling to find myself.

I'm 27 and I am constantly looking for happiness in all the wrong places.

My name is Collin and I am a 27-year old female, living in Asheville NC.  Since graduating from college (Go Appalachian!) I have been on a path, bothing knowingly and unknownly, to find happiness not only in life, but most importantly in myself. Who knew how hard that could be, would be, and still is?? I tell everyone – I never knew the transition from college to the real world would be so damn hard.  I know it is not a struggle for everyone like it has been for me, but my hope for this blog is to be able to write about the ups and downs of life, the good, the bad, the really ooogly ugly and to maybe, just maybe be able to one day make sense of this thing called LIFE. I hope to share not only my thoughts and experiences but any interesting / inspirational / funny / helpful tools, things and/or ideas along the way!

I graduated five years ago and sometimes that seems like yesterday and that I have the whole world ahead of me. While other times it seems like Ive just been going with the motions for so long that I have lost sight of who I am and where I am going. I have this idea of sharing Five Truths about myself every time I write a new blog. I hope that learning to be honest with myself, whether the truth is big or small, silly or personal and being able accept, work on, learn from or change thoses truths will lead me in some way to finding who I am and the happiness I know, deep down, I deserve.


Five Truths:

1. I am absolutely in love with idea of being an ASTRONAUT. I want Jim Lovell’s babies.

2. I have a horrible habit of comparing myself and my life to EVERYONE else.

3. I want so badly to believe in true, blissful, never ending, never the same, life changing LOVE.

4. Breast Cancer Awareness REALLY bothers me. Like seriously.  What about all the other flipping cancers?!?!

5. I struggle with never feeling ACCOMPLISHED in anything I do.  I can land a fabulous job, buy a home, run a 5k, raise a dog and yet at the end of most days I go to bed thinking “Collin – what are you doing with your life?”


I believe in the power of writing down your thoughts and feelings - I find it to be very therapeutic. I hope for anyone who reads this that they find my blog honest, relatable, and enjoyable! :)