I matter.

I matter.

You matter.

At IMMERSE last week, we discussed the importance of knowing that regardless of your past, In God’s eyes, YOU MATTER. He doesn’t keep a tally mark of your mistakes, he loves you no more and no less than he did when you made those mistakes. No one has made enough mistakes, big or small, that would cause Him to not want a beautiful life for you.

Someone once used the analogy “if you are always looking in the rearview mirror, you will have an accident”. Memories play such a huge role in our lives that it can be a daily challenge, at least for me, to not dwell on the past. The past you know, you lived it, you remember it, it is right there at the forefront of your mind. The future, you don’t know, you can’t see and you can’t predict it.  We are creatures of holding on to what we know and not always believing in what we don’t know.

I hold on to feelings. I hold on to knowing what made me happy, what made me sad, angry, hurt, excited, loved, etc. I want to be able to replicate all those good feelings with someone new and not necessarily a boy. I want to replicate happy feelings with friends, family AND potentially meeting someone who makes me feel the way my last relationship did.

I want to stop looking in the rearview mirror, thinking “well that made me happy then, just go back to that comfort zone, because you probably won’t find anything better”

1.       I matter. What I want in life matters. Who I am matters. I deserve a beautiful life with a wonderful companion that I do not settle for.

2.       Letting go of that “comfort zone” is just part of the process. I am not unique in the fact that it is so challenging, I know most people struggle with the loss of any great relationship, but I should be excited about the idea that I have no idea the kind of person God has in his plan for me next.

3.       Stop dwelling and know that I do deserve to find that happiness again and have faith, oh so much faith, that I will find it.

Girls especially have a habit of thinking they only deserve a certain level of things in life. We think that because of our pasts, because of our insecurities, we don’t deserve the things that we see other people have. “Oh, she’s such a great girl and look at her wonderful life, job, husband, boyfriend, she deserves that.”

 Me – “I know I won’t ever have things that great since I am not that great, but I will hopefully find someone, have a job, and have a life that is just “good enough”

NO! NO! NO!

I matter.

I deserve the best companion imaginable and the best out of life – always.

Five Truths:

1.       Ran the Hot Chocolate 10K last weekend in the POURING rain – but I finished! J It is the furthest I have ever run! ½ marathon T-minus 3 weeks!

2.       I am obsessed with the t.v. series Breaking Bad. LOVE.

3.       I have gotten off track a little this past week on my devotions and time with myself and God. It actually makes me feel sad! Jumping back on this week!

4.       I am not sure getting back on facebook was the best idea…….

5.       Made some new friends this weekend and it was fabulous!! J

Be the Good

I am someone who has always, for as long as I can remember, struggled with self-confidence. It is like a chronic disease, coming and going in big or small waves. It has caused for me, the following side effects:

1.  Inability to accept compliments.

2.    A strong dis-like of any kind of attention in public.

3. An instinctual reaction to not be proud of any accomplishments.

4. Weight gain.

5. Damage to friendships.

6.   Damage to relationships.

7. Desire to be a people pleaser = walked on.

8. Inability to express true feelings or opinions due to the fear of rejection / dislike / confrontation / hurting someone’s feelings.

I believe that all of the side effects have in their own way – shaped who I have become.  I have said too many times to count, and probably 10 times in this blog, that I think the most important thing is not to change how others see me, but to change how I see myself. HOW DO YOU DO THIS?? I read so many things about self-esteem, happiness, etc and they all say the same thing. Some version of “change how you think – train your brain to think positive”. Really?  I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t have a clue how this sticks. I can be positive for a few hours, maybe even a day or two – but inevitably I think bad thoughts – I have bad days.

I want to make a conscious effort to really absorb the things that make me happy. Take in those moments, feel them, love them, and embrace them. On the flipside – I want to not let the bad things bring me so far down. Why do we let the bad take us further down than we let the good take us up? Why are we (or maybe it’s just me) programmed to be so accepting of the bad, and so resistant to the good?

I guess I like to play the “woe is me” card and talk about all the things I cant catch a break on, that haven’t gone my way, my struggles, my tears. So today I will list all that HAS gone my way in the past year:


 1.  I bought a HOUSE!
 2. I got a precious dog :)
3. I have really started to find a GREAT group of girlfriends in Asheville :)
4. I have lost 17lbs since October!
5. I got the opportunity to go to Chicago and had a wonderful time!
6. I got to spend a week in the beautiful mountains of Colorado!
7. I am so close to being debt free!
8. My family has been to visit several times and it has meant the world to me!
9. I have found a church that I believe is going to be a fantastic influence and great place to heal an grow:)

I am still struggling in my non-existent relationship and communication with P, but today  - this is what crossed my mind .. ( after of course complaining to B for the 100^th time that I just want answers, I want to know why, and I don’t know how to handle emotionally the thought that someone , anyone, could dislike me this much and act this way)..

”Be who you are and say how you feel, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”

Who cares if ONE person doesn’t like me. I know I am hung up on him in particular because of the relationship we shared – but really Collin. One person. There are so many people out there that DO like me. I have wonderful friends and family that I know are so great at trying to bring me up when I am down. Why do I let ONE person bring me down, when 20 are trying to bring me up? Accept the good. Embrace the good. Be the good.

Leave the bad. Do not let it in.

Be HAPPY. :)

Five Truths
 1. Trying a singles group for Biltmore Baptist tonight – excited and nervous!
 2. Tinley is now staying out and about in the house all day and she is doing so great!
 3. I want to learn to have confidence, but not be cocky. I want to learn to speak my mind, but not hurt people.
 4. Got back on facebook. Seems so silly that it is such a big deal. But for me, it was a much needed vacation and I am happy to report I have not check P’s profile OR any of his friends / family.
 5. B is having a BOYY!!!!!!!!!!  :) :) :) :)
 6. One extra –I had a wonderful time in Charlotte this past weekend with my little Adele , R :)

An opening in my soul

I feel like for a few years now I have been searching for something. Something to fill a void in my heart, an opening in my soul.  A boyfriend, a great new job, buying a home, getting a dog, finding a little more confidence – all of these things have come and gone – and yet none have allowed me sit back and think, “Ah, that’s it!”. It is hard to explain a desire for something when you don’t know what that something is. But you know you need it, you know you’re looking for it and you are hoping everyday you will know it when you find it. I have always thought it might be finding that special person I am meant to spend my life with, or finding a state of happiness where everything in my life seems to be great – that I will get that fulfilling feeling. But I have decided I have been spending way too much time waiting for someone or something to give it to me.

Sunday night I may have found what I am looking for.

A little background first – I grew up in a wonderful Non-denominational Disciples of Christ church where I was actively involved in youth group and had the opportunity to go on many retreats and attend many camps. These are some of my favorite childhood / early teenage memories. I have gone through periods where I feel my relationship with God has been at its best and I have surely gone through many a times where it is at its worst.  College was a time when exploring my faith was not a priority. Post College it became a way to meet people and feel a part of something. I found a small, sweet, eclectic church fairly soon after moving to Asheville and felt like I was getting on track to strengthening my relationship with God. When that church unfortunately fell apart due to lack of attendance and funds – I found myself putting it back in the closet for a while. Over the last year I have attended roughly 8-10 churches on my own, never finding one that felt like it was the right fit. A friend from college recently moved to the Asheville area and her story and journey of finding her joy in faith and love over the past few years has been an inspiration to me. The thought crossed my mind today that maybe the reason all of those churches didn’t “fit” is because I wasn’t ready to find a church yet. It wasn’t my time quite yet.

Well I feel my time is now. More than ever. I attended the Biltmore Baptist service Sunday evening with a few friends, including my new inspiration:) whether this turns out to be the right church for me or not, the praise and worship at the beginning of the service turned a switch in my soul. It literally brought me to tears. The words struck cords, the low lights and intimate feeling allowed me to just let the silent tears flow as the happiness in my heart grew tenfold. It brings an excitement that I have never felt before that maybe this is it! Maybe this is what I have been looking for and needing all along. A relationship with God, so beautiful and strong that is fills any and all voids.


 Maybe it was the baptisms going on on the big screen, maybe it was the rock like band with the colorful lights, maybe it was the talented voices of the singers or the out-going personality and powerful, relatable message from the Pastor. Whatever it is - I was sucked in. And I do not feel like letting go any time soon. Even today at work I felt "happier" than I have in a while. There may have been a little more pep in my step:) 

I want to believe that He has been preparing me for this all along. He has a path, He has a plan, and I am elated beyond words that I feel He has chosen now to be the time I make Him a priority. 


Thank you to a sweet sweet friend for the link to this wonderful song - pretty much my life summed up! :)

Five Truths:

1.       If I could have any talent – I wish that I could sing. Like really sing.

2.       Of all the things I want to work on in 2012 – personally – of highest priority behind my relationship with God, is the ability to deal with difficult relationships.

3.       I wish I knew how to build better confidence. I know there are not straight answers – but man I wish I could be as confident as those around me.

4.       One of many things I took away from Sunday’s sermon was whether I like it or not, I am at some point going to have to talk to my Dad about our issues.

5.       Week one of new years ‘bucket list” begins this week! ( LOL, basically because I didn’t do anything last week so I am not counting it!) 

This is your year!

Happy 2012!

The “theme” if you will of my New Years Eve crowd was – “this is your year!” A friend’s mother so kindly had told him “honey, I really think this your year”. So of course with a few cocktails in everyone, we found this extremely hilarious and even more hilarious to keep repeating it to each other all night :)

But truth be told – I have been internally counting down the days to the end of 2011 because I do feel strongly that I can and will make the most of 2012. There is something fresh, new, and almost exciting about the start of a new year. It’s along the same lines as the feeling you get when you start a new job, move to a new place, moved to a new school, or attempt something new. If you have the right mind set, it can be a powerful self-esteem booster to make a list of all the things you hope to accomplish in the coming year. Forget what has happened in 2011. Be inspired that there really is truth to the saying “you can do anything you put your mind to”.

I personally have been inspired by a wonderful blog I follow, LoveAddictNYC, and her desire to make 2012 the year she learns to live. She comprised a list of 50 things to do in the coming year, some big, some small, but all are in stride to live, love, and be happy. I have comprised a list as well, taking a few of her's too, and I like to consider mine more of a bucket list. It is not a list full of changes, or huge accomplishments, though there are some; it is more a list of small things that will hopefully enrich my journey, my confidence and my relationships.

2012

1.       Loose 20 more lbs

2.       ½ marathon

3.       Triathlon

4.       Tattoo

5.       Daily Devotional (Thank you Emily!)

6.       Find a church

7.       Write more letters to friends and loved ones

8.       Blog at least twice a week

9.       Drink more water

10.   Read more, TV less

11.   Find a charity and donate more

12.   Find a volunteer opportunity I love

13.   Travel abroad

14.   Be the best Aunt possible :)

15.   Be more “thrifty”

16.   Approach dating with an open mind – and put myself out there

17.   Cook something new once a week

18.   Be a better friend to those I love

19.   Learn more at work – be the best I can be

20.   Take a “crafty”class..ie painting, sewing, pottery, etc.

21.   Take lots and lots of pictures

22.   Take walks alone – time to think

23.   Get a massage and a facial

24.   Make a dermatologist appointment

25.   Make my bed everyday

26.   Attempt to be more organized

27.   Go camping at least twice

28.   Hike often

29.   Rock climb with Ana

30.   Read more “ worldly” articles on CNN – be more in tune with the world

31.   Grow my nails

32.   Grow hair out for locks of love

33.   Donate blood ( until I get a tattoo)

34.   Plant a garden

35.   Every Sunday – reflection time

36.   MAYBE. MAYBE. Match.com or EHarmony

37.   Find a recreational sport league

38.   If and when I am back on facebook – minimize my time

39.   BE CONFIDENT

40.   BE INTENTIONAL IN EVERYTHING I DO

Five Truths:

1.       I am not expecting to accomplish everything on my list – but will be proud and happy with the ones I do

2.       Have not had any communication with him in over three weeks. I see him now driving when I go to pick Tinley up from daycare and it absolutely gets my stomach churning every time I see his car, but I feel stronger today than I did three weeks ago.  Progress.

3.       I just gave Tinley Benadryl for the first time, hopefully to calm her so I can cut her nails, and I am a  LITTTTTTTTTLE worried. LOL.

4.       I had a lovely Christmas – and was especially happy to see my wonderful friends, Erika, Sarah B and Logan! :)

5.       My ½ marathon is in less than two months and I can barely run 4 miles. EXCELLENT. Hope that adrenaline kicks in ASAP!