Big Love

So I’ve been thinking about the notion of that one special “once in a lifetime love” that everyone seems to search for and I am trying to decide if getting over the idea of having this beautiful love story to tell one day, is a huge part of my journey. We all know the love portrayed in movies, books and music is usually unrealistic, but I would be lying if every time I watched a romantic movie part of me didn’t think to myself “I hope that happens to me one day”. 


 I have gone back and forth a million times thinking, this “big love”, is it the relationship that’s simple and easy-going, without drama and messiness, or is it the one that amidst all of the problems, at the end of the day, you’d still chose this person for all matters of better or worse. It seems like most couples I know have all sorts of different “love stories”. Some grand and magical, some simple and sweet. Some are more like are partners and others are, after 20 years, still madly in love. But I have to believe, that the underlying common ground is simply this - the love is the same. Its LOVE.


For what seems like the longest time, I’ve deep down believed in finding that one person I am so ridiculously in love with. The person I cannot imagine living without, who I share the most unbelievable connection with and who gives me a happiness I have never felt before. Now, oddly enough, I do not believe in soul mates. I strongly believe there are several people out there that could fit this mold for each of us, and if you are lucky, you might even get to meet a few of them along the way. But the older I get, and the more failed relationships I have, the more I have to wonder if my expectations of “love” are too much. It starts to become unbearably depressing to be continually questioning if I am ever going to find the "love” I am looking for.


If I try to be positive, I can say that I’ve learned more with every choice, every mistake and every experience in all of my relationships. I’ve truly, at this point, mastered the difficult task of trying to see the good versus the bad and feel as though I am quite the expert on break-ups in general. Lord knows I have been through enough of them. (This is of course when I start to be negative and spend way too much time evaluating myself, because I feel like there has obviously got to be something wrong with me.)


At this particular moment I am weathering the storm of realizing a “big love” of mine, isn’t who I thought they were. It is so hard on your mind and your heart, when for so long you thought you saw something amazing. For me, this was the first time I honestly believed I had found my “love story”. I have told everyone I know, from practically day one, I knew I was going to marry this person. BAZINGA. I was so wrong. How do you recover from that kind of disappointment and heartbreak? I am really really scared to feel that way about someone again, because I know how challenging it will be to NOT compare past relationships, especially this most recent one, to anything new.


Someone told me one time some cute quote about “all of these little loves will eventually add up to one big love” – but what I have learned more than ANYTHING over the past 5 years is that the most important love of all, is the love I have for myself. It’s the single most important, most difficult, most challenging and most rewarding relationship I will ever have. Each day, each up, each down, each accomplishment, each failure, each joy, each sadness, it comes down to just me. So maybe, if I can master loving me, and strengthen the relationship I have with myself, I wont put such high expectations on that "big love". I will have already fullfilled that void and emptiness with a fabulous relationship I have had for over 27 years now.


I don’t think I will ever give up believing I will find someone truely special, that fills my soul and life with overflowing happiness and love, and I don’t think that I should have to.It may never be a Hollywood worthy story but I hope to find the person and “love story” that’s just simply mine and was made for just me.


Five Truths:


1. I can write nice thoughts and postitive remarks all day - but that doesnt mean that I feel like that every day.


2. I was so flustered over a stressful few days, I wore two different shoes to work one day this week. LMAO.


3. Learned a new word. OOOOFTA!! means " oh crap " in the Mid-west. It is such a fun word to say!


4. Sometimes I think I may have a serious "bi-polar" esc issue with how up and down I can feel in one day. Is that normal?


5. I will be making a "bucket list" for 2012. I am beyond determined that 2012 will be "my year". There are no excuses, things have to change, and I will be a happier person in 2012.

Me being dramatic? Never.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving! I know I for sure ate way more than anticipated – but who am I kidding, I say that every year!! J I did take the opportunity to run an 8K race on Thanksgiving morning so hopefully that counts for something!

I ran with a few fellow co-workers and even though they all smoked me   - I am still pretty proud of myself! It is by far the most I have run since my days in the academy almost a year and a half ago. (Wow, has it been that long? I’ve truly blocked a lot of those memories so I sometimes forget even going through it! ) I signed up for a ½ marathon in February with one of best friends, B, so I still have a long ways to go!! I am also considering a triathlon, more specifically the Ramblin’ Rose. Another friend, R, and former PT instructor from BLET has been asking me for years now to do one with her.  I like the idea of this one in particular because it is for women only. Not exactly sure how I would practice swimming – hahahha – I guess I just would hope my years of swim team would somehow magically come back to me!!

Work has taken over my life, physically and emotionally, these past two weeks. We have a certification test on Monday that everyone has been frantically studying for over the past few months. We have all begun to really hit walls because the amount of material is so overwhelming that it is even more nerve racking each day just trying to decide what to read over or study. Am I worried? Absolutely. I think deep down I am so scared to fail this exam – even though it doesn’t mean losing my job – for me, it will feel like yet another defeat. Another mark on my list of failures and disappointments.  I feel like I am at a place in my life where I am desperate for success, accomplishment, fulfillment, happiness. The last thing I need to handle is failing this crap. But alas, I will get through it. I might pass and be elated! Hopefully being able to channel that success into being more confident and working on this crazy journey to being really really really happy, or, I will fail and in that case I will study hard and I will take it again. Oh well. ( ok – so that is really not exactly how I see it, but it is how I wish it was in my head. I am unfortunately never that positive or carefree when it comes to something like this, I usually anticipate failure.)

AHHHHHH!! BE POSTIVE COLLIN!!! WHY IS IT SO F-ING HARD?!?!! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!

And take a few deep breaths.

New topic.

I am so ridiculously, unexplainably happy for my best friend B who is going to be having a BABY!! I told her the same night she told me about the pregnancy – that I had thought about this moment several times actually. That I knew it was coming at some point and I wondered how I would react / feel when it actually did.  Not that in any way shape or form I wasn’t going to be happy for her, but she knows as well as I do, I have such an issue with comparing myself to other people and their lives, that it did cross my mind that this would be just one more thing to add to the list of things I want in life , that I have to watch all of my friends go through, accomplish etc, while I lag behind. Me being overly dramatic? Never. J But here is the thing – just like I have been writing about for weeks now – you can never really anticipate how you are going to react to something if it hasn’t happened to you before.  When she turned around to me in that car and told me, it was an instantaneous rush of happiness, butterflies in my stomach, and the immediate thought – I love that child already! J She started crying, I started crying, and all in the span of 30 seconds it became crystal clear to me. This is going to be the single (or 1^st of many depending on how many they have!) most important, significant, joyful, breathtaking, fulfilling, life changing, loving moment and experience of their lives. I am beyond excited for the two of them to share in this unbelievable journey. And the fact that I get to be a part of it? I am just overwhelmed with warmness in my heartJ June 19^th cannot come fast enough!!! J

Five Truths:

1.       I love my roommate for all of her Christmas decorations!! J

2.       I am still – unable to go a whole day without thinking about him. Multiple times.  Right now it feels like it really is more about the hurt and less about the idea of wanting him back.

3.       Big Bang Theory is my new obsession! I am not kidding – I would probably really go for someone like Leonard J

4.       This is what I made at work today! You get to wear it if you pass the exam!!

5.       Found “Prancer” on DVD today and almost “duces tecumed” in my pants!! Best Christmas movie of all time!